Intimacy Once both people have experienced chemistry on all four levels — physical, emotional, mental and spiritual, they are ready to experience the real and lasting love that can grow in the Fourth Stage of Dating: This is the time to relax and just get to know each other on a deeper, more personal level. She should continue to open up more and share her thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities. He should continue to express his love, show more interest and desire, and look forward to regular physical intimacy.
Both of them should grow closer and feel the joy of a deeper emotional connection and increased physical contact. Tips for Men The biggest challenge for him during this stage is to understand that she will show more vulnerability in the relationship. Her emotions will tend to rise and fall — like a wave. She may feel very loving and happy for consecutive days, but once her emotions reach their peak, her wave crashes, and she has very little to give. She may feel overwhelmed, insecure, or resentful, but he should avoid taking it personally.
This is when he needs to draw from the skills he learned in Stage Three and continue to give his best without expecting an immediate return. He should avoid trying to talk her out of her feelings. Rather than give solutions, he should provide greater understanding, empathy, and just listen. Tips for Women Just as her feelings tend to rise and fall with the increased intimacy, men experience the need to get close and pull away — like a rubber band.
The more intimate a man becomes with a woman, the more he will sometimes feel a need to have some distance. Each time he pulls away, his love grows as he experiences missing her and wanting to be close again. This back-and-forth urge is natural for a man and mimics the testosterone production in his body. His need to pull away will decline less and less as emotional intimacy deepens in the relationship. If a man gets close to a woman before he has experienced chemistry on all four levels — physical, emotional, mental and spiritual — he may not come back when he pulls away.
If he has not experienced enough love, then the rubber band breaks. The Challenge The challenge during the Intimacy Stage is understanding how each person handles intimacy differently and giving that person what they need, when they need it. He can struggle with his need to be autonomous while also being committed. She struggles with avoiding the urge to chase him. Engagement The final stage of dating happens when the couple decides to make the ultimate commitment and get married. Both people are clear that they want to be with one another forever.
It is a time to build a life and future plans. Engagement is also the best time for a couple to practice before they are married. Marriage is like a magnifying glass. As the love grows, so do the problems and pressures. It is a great time to practice the two most important skills of staying married: Apologies and forgiveness are interdependent. When one partner apologizes, that makes it easier for the other to find forgiveness. When one partner is very forgiving, that makes it easy for the other to apologize.
It is difficult for a man to apologize for his mistakes when he does not sense he will be forgiven. When a woman deliberately chooses to focus on creating a positive and receptive attitude by forgiving, she then discovers how much a man really wants to please her and support her. She experiences and learns that her love, not her punishments, brings out the best in him. Sometimes, both partners are too eager and they skip stages together.
This does not necessarily mean that they will not make it through all the stages, but it does mean that they will not gain the insights and ability necessary to build a strong foundation for the relationship to grow. Throughout the Five Stages of Dating, it is important to understand why he should pursue and she should create opportunities to be pursued. She is the jewel and he should remember to always provide the right setting for her to shine. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It is a sacred promise that goes deeper than dating.
It is a meaningful ritual that marks a new stage of life. It reminds you who you are and releases you to become who you are meant to be. The book is full of valuable insights about how men and women approach dating differently and helps couples to correctly interpret their partners so they will not be misunderstood. Mars and Venus On A Date helps couples create the relationship of their dreams.
Dear John, Why do guys want to kiss on the first date? When I ask the guys, they tell me they want to know if we have chemistry. I would rather have the first kiss come naturally. Lindsay Thanks for your question, LIndsay. This would show the Venusian that she is cared for and help her feel more secure in the relationship. A woman needs a man who will make her feel special, unique and secure. A Martian, therefore, needs to understand better how Venusians think, act, behave, and speak; otherwise a Martian will misinterpret his favorite Venusian. A man may think his date is another woman whose needs may smother him and take away his freedom.
As a result, he loses interest. There is not a person who I have not met who does not wish to be successful in love. Love is as delicate as a plant and needs attention, caring and respect. And these characteristics can also be found in one who spends time studying over a book in a library preparing for an exam. One night you attend a party when you are filled with doubts about even going and then suddenly you fall into a seat across the very person you have longed waited to meet. You both instantly just know.
You both play it cool. Avoiding each other, but in the end always coming back to each other and the conversations flow and both of you just click into place. And both of you know that the Universe has smashed two oceans into each other and it is such a wonderful feeling. This knowing is not in any way dependent on a long list of reasons or qualifications. Soul love is unconditional. Here are fifteen key insights that can help any relationship become stronger: It is most romantic for a woman when a man anticipates her needs and offers to help. They like to try new things and have new experiences.
A man makes the best impression by asking questions and listening. Sharing in her thoughts and feelings is the way to win a woman over…When he asks questions, it reassures her that she is special and worthy of love. When a man experiences a positive response to the things he does or provides for her, he is more inclined to feel attracted.
A woman also experiences a greater attraction to man when he is helpful to her. She then mistakenly turns this around and assumes that if she is helpful to him, he will be more attracted to her. It is not a physical decision based on how a person looks. It is much deeper. When our soul wants to marry our partner, it feels like a promise that we came into this world to keep…When our soul wants to get married, it feels as if we have no choice.
We have to do it if we are to be true to ourselves. Keep reading and smiling… Mar 13, Tanya rated it it was amazing. I think every human of relationship age should read this book. Great breakdown of the typical differences between the genders and how those differences affect one's instincts in a romantic relationship. Suddenly things make sense. Light bulbs start burning bright. I've read a few decent relationship books, but this one breaks down such basic differences that it should be a prerequisite to the others. The book only briefly touches on being a strong, self-aware and confident individual before atte I think every human of relationship age should read this book.
The book only briefly touches on being a strong, self-aware and confident individual before attempting to date and that's such a HUGE part of any successful relationship. I'm sure some people have issues grasping some of the suggestions because they aren't first right with themselves. And I gotta say I'm all for gender equality in the workplace, but chivalry needs to stay alive and well at home and you'll see why. Here and there I thought a few things were awkward or silly, I guess because they weren't relevant to me, and I also didn't love the God stuff, but you take some and you leave some — all in all a wonderful book!
I have been recommending it to everyone I know, even the married couples. Sep 11, Jo rated it it was amazing. Coming from an extremely dysfunctional family, I was very unsuccessful at dating and finding a soulmate. It wasn't until I read Mars and Venus on a date that I realized I had no idea how to date or have a successful relationship.
Most self help books address the problems people have when they are already in a relationship, but this one starts from the first date. It was the single most helpful book I have found on the subject of building a positive relationaship. Thank you, John Gray. Dec 14, Alex rated it liked it Shelves: It was informative and very much based on evolutionary facts ex men are work-oriented. There's a lot of facts in the book that wasn't very much universal. For example, shy people would approach dating in a very different approach than what he described men and women to be.
The tidbit on continuing attraction sounds useful, but I haven't used it in reality yet. Jul 06, Stacy rated it liked it Shelves: I understood men better after reading this book. One insight that stood out was the fact that men like to talk about what they DO in a social setting such as a date, which women often perceive as boring and arrogant.
That explained a lot to me though. This is a book all single women should have on their bookshelf. I was amazed how many of my different relationships followed so many of the stages. It helped me realized the things I was doing wrong right from the start. I don't know if reading it changed anything I was doing but it was at least fun to be able to see what path I went down. I really enjoyed reading this book and my only regret is not reading it sooner. There is an enormous amount of useful information and actually a lot of information that has helped me see what went wrong on previous relationships.
Excellent read and a great companion to "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Jan 04, Kryssy Kirsch rated it did not like it. I couldn't finish the book. Yes there were some good points, but then again, I don't need to buy a book to tell me these pointers, my amazing friends have told me some of these things. I don't believe in "soul mates" or "soul love" so I found this book to be extremely corny and truly not informative.
Mar 27, Leahjoypro rated it it was amazing. Should be required reading for anyone who ever wants to have a successful dating relationship or marriage. Aug 03, Neri. I enjoyed this book which actually tells truth about dating and relationship. More people should read it so they could understand what it is different goals in relationships and in life. Jan 10, Nhu Luong rated it it was amazing.
This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. Although I had read a book on how guys' mind work, I still find this book amazing and knowledgeable. As every other woman, I want a stable and happy relationship. Therefore, I picked up this book hoping that I can find the answers to all the mysterious actions and thoughts that men have.
This book is a quick read with abundant resources and advice from John Gray, an experts on human relationships and communication. I highly recommend it to anyone that wants a change or improve their love life. Co Although I had read a book on how guys' mind work, I still find this book amazing and knowledgeable.
Content of the book: Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy and Engagement. If your partner is the wrong person, do not continue but to move on. Attraction - The more man talks, the more he becomes interested in himself not his partner. Therefore, women need to do more of the talking and share herself in the most radiant way. Stay in the most accurate stay and act accordingly is the best instead of jumping exclusively to the intimacy part. Uncertainty - Women tends to question where the relationship is going and then she will either ask questions about the relationship or to try to pursuit him.
This happened to me before T. T - When a woman asks: Did I do something wrong? This is as far as I go for now. Kissing and colliding bodies together. Its better to have her own orgasm before giving his. All the way Stage 3: Exclusivity - For most men, this is when the pursuit is over. To be more specific, she needs to not giving him any advice, accepting him just as he is, not trying to change him in anyway and appreciate what he offers regardless of how much better she might like something else.
She would feel his hesitancy in continuing their relationship and confront him. How can you just end this relationship? I thought you loved me. How can you love me and want to leave me? We have some- thing special. Neither Bill nor Susan knew that it was perfectly healthy to get to know a person, fall in love, and then discover that this person is not the right one. Without this important insight, many people end relationships by focusing on the negative instead of by focusing on the positive. It is as clear and simple as recognizing that the sun is shining today, or the water I am drinking is cool and refreshing, or the rock I am holding is solid.
When you are with the right person you just know. This knowing is not in any way dependent on a long list of reasons or qualifications. Soul love is uncondition- al. While this answer is true, it is also very misleading. This is not necessarily true. This knowing who you want to spend your life with comes from opening your heart. Each decision you make will lead you closer to hitting the target. They mistakenly believe that if you love someone, you should want to have a relationship with them.
This is not right. The closer someone is to being the right person, the more you will be able to see him or her as worthy of your love, but still this might not be the right person for you. Many people become confused when they fall in love. They think that if you love someone you should want to be together forever. People do not realize that love is not enough. If they discover that their partner is not right, either they feel guilty ending the re- lationship or they unnecessarily focus on what does not work in the relationship in order to justify leaving. Not only is this unnecessary, but it makes it more difficult to find the right person next time.
Certainly there are games and manipulations to make someone love you and want to marry you, but if a person is not right for you, then you will not necessarily live happily ever after. One of the reasons there is so much divorce today is that people do not move through the five stages. They rush through them or skip a few stages.
It was fine in previous generations to marry someone without first getting to know him or her, because the need for security was the basis of marriage. Our ancestors were primarily motivated to find a mate in order to secure their survival and the survival of children. But this did not guarantee that romance would last. For most couples in history, marriage meant the end of ro- mance. Never in history has lasting romance been associated with marriage. It is a decision made in our hearts that sometimes feels as though it were made in heaven. Soul mates are not perfect, but perfect for us.
While they can bring out the best in us, without good communication skills they can also bring out the worst in us, and vice versa. We are not just physically turned on to them; our soul gets turned on as well. There are basically four kinds of chemistry between dating partners; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Physical chemistry generates desire. Emotional chemistry generates affection. Mental chemistry creates interest. Spiritual chemistry creates love. A soul mate includes all four. A man can easily be turned on by a seductive woman who promises sexual gratification without any strings.
For many young men, just the opportunity for sex causes physical chemistry. After a few brief encounters of physical passion this chemistry will quickly dissipate. I was amazed as a counselor to discover a striking pattern. Quite often women who were extremely attractive, who looked like models and movie stars, and in some cases were, would share the same complaint.
Their husbands were not sexually attracted to them. Yet it was true. I eventually realized why. When a man feels sexual chemistry, quite often he thinks he knows a woman; he feels interested in her, he likes her, he even thinks he loves her. The real test is whether he still likes and loves her after he gets to know her. Although it may feel like love, it is not necessarily real or lasting. When a relationship passes the test of time, the love is real. These men who stopped being attracted to their partners did not betray these women.
Both partners were responsible. When physical chemistry is not backed up by chemistry in the mind, heart, and soul, then it cannot last or grow in time. Once the pleasures and passions of the body are experienced without corresponding passions of the mind, heart, and soul, the physical chemistry will dissipate.
Physical attraction can be sustained for a lifetime only when it springs from chemistry of the mind, heart, and soul as well. When the soul is attracted to someone and recognizes a mate, then with that person, because we experience a soul chemistry, the physical, emotional, and mental chemistry can also be sus- tained.
Lasting physical attraction must find its source in our souls. On the level of the soul, you are the same throughout your life. The person who was a little child is the same person you are now. You are you all of your life. The most change happens on the physical level. Everything on the physical plane is always changing. As we progress to the emotional plane, we change less. All adults can easily reflect back and still feel many of the feelings they had in childhood or young adulthood. On the mental plane, change is even less.
We tend to be interested in the same sort of things our entire lives. Certainly there is some change, but definitely not as much as on the physical level. On the soul plane we are always the same. The soul is who you are when you strip away the body, mind, and heart. Your soul has a potential that takes an entire lifetime to be fully realized. When a couple are soul mates, when their souls recognize and love each other and they are attracted to each other physically, emotionally, and mentally, then this love not only can last but can continue to grow and become richer as the years pass. This does not mean that everything will flow easily and effortlessly.
It simply means you have the potential to be successful. Feelings of attraction and interest can only lead us into a relationship that meets our emotional needs. Once we begin to get our emotional needs met in a re- lationship, our hearts begin to open and we experience real love and intimacy. As we get to know our partner with love, it is still not certain that we will pick him or her as our soul mate.
We may feel a deep soul love, but still that person may not be the one. When some people mistakenly assume that loving a person means marriage, they can never open up to feel the love in their hearts because they are not sure that they want to marry that person. This catch happens a lot to men. A man can sense that a woman wants to know if he loves her. In romantic movies, loving someone meant that you wanted to marry her.
In real life, it is not always the case. Instead, you first find love and then you are capable of making the right choice. The ex- perience of real love does connect us to our soul. With this connection, we are then able to know what our soul wants to do. Choosing a soul mate is not a mental decision based on the pros and cons of a relationship. It is not an emotional decision based on comparing how a person makes you feel. It is not a physical decision based on how a person looks. It is much deeper. When our soul wants to marry our partner, it feels like a promise that we came into this world to keep.
It feels as if we are supposed to be together and share our lives. We have to do it if we are to be true to ourselves. It is this kind of commitment that can sustain a lifetime of love. It empowers us to make the necessary sacrifices and overcome the inevitable challenges that come with marriage; it graces us with the experience of incomparable joy and fulfillment.
Many people mistakenly associate love with the right person for marriage because it is only when our hearts are open, and filled with love, that we can truly know someone and know the truth in our hearts. We can pick the right person only when our hearts are open, but it is also true that we can know for sure that a person is wrong only if our hearts are open as well. With a clearer understanding of this, we are then free to end relationships without feeling guilty or resentful. I was not the one for you.
Book Summaries: Mars and Venus on a Date - John Gray
I feel disappoin- ted and hurt, but I can forgive you and wish you well. Now I can move on to finding the right person for me. If you had cared more and tried harder, we could have made this work. If you had not given so much of your time to your work and been more supportive of me, then we could have gotten married and lived happily ever after.
You had to ruin everything and give up. My life is ruined by this. Why does this relationship have to end? Certainly, it is normal to have these kinds of feelings, but they must be released and replaced by positive feelings of love and forgiveness. She fell deeply in love with Jack. Everything was moving along fine for about a year, but then Susan realized that Jack was wrong for her. When she tried to end her relationship with Jack, he kept asking her to reconsider and try again. Susan felt guilty leaving Jack because he was feeling so hurt.
They tried for a few more months, but eventually Susan saw that it was just going to get worse. She actually heard Jack say things about her that she had told Bill when he wanted to leave her. It was then that Susan was open to knowing that you could love someone but not want to marry him. In personal counsel- ing sessions, Susan was finally able to forgive Bill.
She could now understand why he left. With this new understanding, she was now able to think about Bill in a friendly way; she was able to release the resentment she felt in her heart. In her heart, she knew that Jack was not right for her and that if she was going to find the right person for her, then she would have to move on. In the past, she would have felt guilty and dragged out the relationship until things got really bad. This time she was able to move on, feeling compassion for Jack but not guilt.
She was grateful for the time they had shared, but she was now ready to end the relationship. Within three more months, Susan met Tom. They quickly moved through all five stages of dating. Within nine months, they were married. They are soul mates and have been living happily together for the last twelve years.
They expect to share the rest of their lives together. Now Susan is very grateful that Bill was courageous enough to follow his heart and end the relationship. Bill also moved on eventually to find his soul mate. By eventually letting go of their resentments and feelings of guilt, Susan and Bill were able to find their soul mates. Most people find or are found by their soul mates when they are not really looking. When you are ready your soul mate will appear. A big part of preparing ourselves is getting to know ourselves. As teenagers, we are still getting to know what it means to be masculine or feminine.
Dating the opposite sex is exciting because we are getting to know not only the opposite sex but ourselves as well. When we are younger we date not to find a soul mate but to learn about ourselves and explore our feelings of attraction. These feelings of attraction are generally crushes. We may think we love someone, but we are really infatuated.
We are thrilled by the anticipation of being with someone, and then when we actually get to know the person we are not so excited. Certainly we are experiencing some genuine attraction, affec- tion, and interest, but it has not yet ripened into real soul love. Going through this process is, however, an important part of preparing to find the right person. Sometimes, after a relationship fails or if we feel rejected, even if we are much older, we will need to date for a while just to feel good about ourselves as a man or woman.
Once we feel secure that we are attractive to the opposite sex, then we are ready to move beyond the first stage of dating and more seriously consider an exclusive relationship. As we become more autonomous and mature, we automatically begin looking for more in our relationships. Our first test is to once again find a sense of autonomy.
This sense of autonomy is the basis of intimacy. When we are on the rebound, instead of looking for someone to share with, we are like a hungry person looking for food. We are just looking for someone to feed us.
See a Problem?
To be ready for intimacy and thus able to recognize the right person, we must first be able to feed ourselves. Only then can we enjoy feeding and being fed by a partner. Regardless of what age we are, as we begin to feel more in- dependent and autonomous, we are not satisfied with dating just anyone attractive, nice, or interesting to us. We want something more than just a good time or fun together. We want a deeper and richer opportunity to know someone and to be known. Quite automatically we begin to feel the need to explore what a loving, exclusive relationship could offer.
They will not have everything on your list of ideal qualities. They come with baggage. They, like you, have good days and bad days. They are not perfect, but when your heart is open and you know them, they are somehow perfect for you.
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The love you spontaneously feel for a soul mate is the foundation for learning to share your life with someone who in many ways is very different from you. That love motivates you to cooperate, respect, appreciate, cherish, and admire that person. Your soul has a chance to grow. When a caterpillar makes its transformation into a butterfly, it is not an easy process.
The little butterfly struggles to break free of the cocoon. In that very process of struggling to get out, the butterfly exercises its wing muscles and builds up the ne- cessary strength to fly. If you compassionately cut open the cocoon to make it easier for the butterfly, it will never gain the strength to fly. Instead it just dies. If your life partner did not challenge you in some ways, the best would not be drawn from you.
Soul mates are the perfect partners to bring out the best in us, and sometimes that is done by having to work through issues. In a marriage, you have to overcome all kinds of negative tendencies—being too judg- mental, critical, selfish, compliant, demanding, needy, rigid, accommodating, righteous, doubtful, impatient, and so on.
A soul mate gives you the opportunity to rise above these tend- encies. When your dark side surfaces, you become stronger and more loving by exercising the love you feel deep in your heart to resolve an issue. In this process your soul, like the butterfly, has a chance to fly free. Richard is forty-seven years old. He has never been married, but has dated hundreds of women. There have been some special ones, but he was never able to settle down. There was always something missing. This is how he describes these special women: Sarah was wonderful; she was bubbly and energetic, everything that I am not.
I like how I feel around her. Carol always loved me just the way I was. She loved being with me and we had a great time together. Mary was the most beautiful woman I have ever met. She was smart and successful, and I always felt proud when I was with her in public. Carol liked everything about me.
With Mary I felt I had to stay on my toes. Richard could go on for hours and hours comparing women. The bottom line was that he was expecting one woman to have it all. The more he experienced women, the more good qualities he wanted in his soul mate. Richard was always comparing because he was looking for perfection. He wanted all he could get. After being attracted to one woman, instead of staying with her during the uncer- tainty stage, he would feel uncertain and begin comparing and looking elsewhere.
Before he could open up to a woman and risk being rejected, he would have another one lined up. As a result, he never had the chance to be exclusive with one woman for more than six months. In all his special relationships, he would skip the ex- clusivity stage and move to stage four intimacy and then back to stage two uncertainty. While feeling uncertain he would then notice other women and pursue them. By moving back and forth between stages and between partners, he was never able to find the knowledge in his heart that a woman was either right or wrong for him.
It had never been explained to him why it was so important to be exclusive as a preparation to recognizing the right person. He thought he should first recognize and be intimate with the right person and then be exclusive, rather than be exclusive stage three and then intimate stage four.
Still, he looks back at many of the women he has loved and feels that four or five would have been perfect if only they were a little different. Unless he finally gives himself a chance to find out by being exclusive with just one, he will never find out. Unless he learns that shooting in a certain direction is defin- itely wrong, he will never be able to self-correct and shoot in another direction to hit the target.
In his mind, he is still thinking that four or five different directions might be the way to go. By ending relationships in an incomplete manner, he has unknowingly sabotaged his ability to find a soul mate. His only hope is to stop comparing and looking for perfec- tion. He should find a woman to whom he is attracted, who clearly has some potential, and pursue her through the first four stages. From there, he will find some completion to make sure his next relationship is closer to the mark. He will date a woman for a few weeks or months. As they really get to know each other and experience some real intim- acy, his doubt comes up and he gets involved with one of his other girlfriends, since he has not yet committed himself to exclusivity.
Just as Jason is making a mistake to be seeing so many wo- men, the women who date Jason are making a big mistake as well. They are willing to have sex with him and they are not in any way being assured by him that he is exclusive. These women make the common mistake of pursuing a man more than he is pursuing them. Jason will talk to one partner about the problems in his life, which include his difficulties in his relationships with other women. This kind of intimate discussion is completely inap- propriate and it ends up making the man more ambivalent. A woman should not behave with a man as if she is exclusive or intimate if he is still working through issues with other women.
And she should not mistakenly believe that if she listens sympathetically to him, he will become convinced she is the one for him. When a woman makes the mistake of dating a man and be- having as if she is in an exclusive, intimate relationship, when in truth the man is seeing other women, then it will be very difficult for the man to ever become clear and recognize her as his soul mate. Even the wrong person becomes the right person to help us self-correct and move on.
Through making sure that you relate appropriately to the stage of the relationship you are in, your chances of eventually finding the right person for you go up dramatically. The time you spend in any relationship is not a loss if you learn from it and complete it in a positive way. Each time you follow your heart and then plainly recognize that someone is not right for you, then you are definitely one step closer to finding the right person for you.
Some people worry that this is a problem, when really it is a sign of greater wisdom in young couples. They are waiting to get married. They are wanting to first get a sense of who they are, what they can do, what they want to do, and where they are going before decid- ing to make a marriage commitment. It is wise to first know yourself before trying to share yourself in a marriage.
When people get married before feeling autonomous, they run the risk of being too dependent on each other for love. They do not get the opportunity to experience sufficient inde- pendence to discover how they can be fulfilled without having a partner to depend on. Instead of taking a few more years to fully release their dependence on their parents and become dependent on themselves, they shift from their parents to a partner for love and support. By rushing into an intimate rela- tionship, they can miss the opportunity to discover the inner confidence, self-assuredness, and autonomy necessary to make a marriage work.
Just as living separately from our parents is an important part of growing up, living separately from the opposite sex is equally important. Finding fulfillment through living alone or sharing a dwelling with friends of the same sex provides a strong foundation for eventually being able to share a life with someone of the opposite sex.
When we are not fulfilled through our work and friendships, then we are attracted to someone who can fill us up rather than someone we can share with. Instead of coming together to overflow, we come together primarily to fill up. With this un- derstanding it becomes clear that being fulfilled as a single person is the basis of finding the right person and being suc- cessful in marriage.
If a couple are in doubt, then—particularly if they are in their twenties—they should go slowly. The sad truth is that many married couples are soul mates but they do not know it. The process of dating and preparing to get married was in some way missed, and as a result they never really find their soul connection. This is not to say that once married they cannot find it, but it is much easier to find by thoroughly going through the five stages of dating.
Ultimately, taking the time to really get to know someone is the secret of success. Moving through the five stages ensures that you get an opportunity to fully know someone and experience the best of that person before getting married. Certainly it is possible to be lucky and just get married right away to someone without going through all the stages, but for most people, to know they are with the right person and to ensure that after they get married the passion will be sustained, it is extremely useful to move through each of the five stages before getting married.
If you have perfected all the dating skills presented in this book, it does not mean that you can take any relationship through the five stages of dating and get married and live happily ever after. But by applying these insights you will gain the ability to recognize and find the right person for you and assist that person in recognizing you. Attraction A lthough feelings of attraction are automatic, in order to sustain attraction in a personal relationship we must also be skillful in presenting ourselves in ways that are not just appealing to the other sex but supportive as well.
The blending together of male and female must be done in gradual stages. In stage one, quite often it is the anticipation that we can get what we need or want from a relationship with a potential partner that tends to sustain attraction. Without a clear message that we can get what we need, the attraction will disappear. Without an understanding of the cus- toms and manners on Venus, a man can put his best foot for- ward and unknowingly turn a date off.
When a man is interested in a woman, quite automatically he treats her the way he would want to be treated. In many cases, that is not what a woman will appreciate. While trying to impress her he inadvertently turns her off. To various de- grees, most men are simply clueless when it comes to under- standing women. Without an understanding of the customs and manners on Venus, a man can put his best foot forward and unknowingly turn a date off.
For example, instead of taking the time to listen and get to know his date, a man talks about himself or his theories about life. He thinks this will impress her, and because she keeps asking questions, he thinks this is what she wants. When she does get a chance to talk, he mistakenly assumes she is asking for his advice and begins offering solutions to her problems or answers to her questions.
Without even knowing why or how, he begins to turn her off. Larry brought Phoebe to a restaurant for their first official date. I happened to be sitting next to them at another table. I observed that throughout the whole dinner Larry did all the talking. He spoke like a professor to his class. It was a sad sight. When Phoebe would occasionally say something, instead of drawing her more into the conversation, Larry very quickly started expounding again.
It was easy to tell that he really liked what he was saying, but it was also easy to see that Phoebe was being polite but felt bored and left out. What could have been a delightful evening was a disappoint- ment for both. They never connected because Larry did all the talking. If Larry had understood Venusians, he would have asked Phoebe more questions to draw her out. If Phoebe had under- stood Martians, she would have just interrupted and talked more instead of continuing to politely listen and ask questions.
In some ways he is like a bull in a china shop, oblivious of the effect he is having. This small insight can make a world of difference. A man wonders if he should ask a woman for her number or not. He wonders how to get it. He wonders if she is attracted to him. Women have said in my seminars that even if they are not at first attracted to a man, his interest makes him more attractive.
If he takes the risk of asking for her number or asking her out, she is in- clined to say yes just because he took the risk. It makes her feel special and she feels flattered. When a man can do all of the above without being dependent on getting anything else other than the pleasure of getting to know her, this makes him even more attractive. If she has to care too much about his needs, if she has to be overly sensitive not to hurt his feelings, then he becomes less attractive. When she is free not to worry about him, but simply enjoy the fact that he cares about her, then she becomes more attracted to him.
The understanding of how we are different gives a man that power. A woman often mistakenly assumes that if a man is the right man for her, he will know what she wants and will automatically consider her needs and do the things she does to show that he cares. For example, a woman will make the mistake of demonstrat- ing her interest by asking a man a lot of questions. As he talks she continues to listen patiently. She assumes that if she listens with great interest, he will be more interested in her. This is true on Venus, but not true on Mars.
The more a man talks, the more interested he becomes in what he is talking about. For a man to become more interested in a woman, she needs to do more of the talking and authentically share herself in a positive manner. And how a woman talks can make a world of difference. On Venus, when two friends get together they enjoy the opportun- ity to share freely the mishaps, frustrations, disappointments, and complaints of the week. It is a sign of trust, goodwill, and friendship. On Venus, friends enjoy the opportunity to share freely the mishaps, frustrations, disappointments, and complaints of the week.
A man can easily get the wrong impression. Just as a woman is attracted to a man who shows interest in her, a man is attracted to a woman who clearly can be pleased. When she appears to be difficult to please, he may easily become turned off. A man is attracted to a woman who clearly can be pleased. To create the ideal opportunity to experience the best a man has to offer and for a man to experience her best, a woman needs to be careful to share the positive side of her life and avoid dwelling on negative experiences. Conversation should be light, not heavy, focused on current events in the world and in their lives, but discussed in a positive manner.
This does not imply in any way that she should be fake. Authenticity is what makes anyone most attractive. Everyone has a positive and negative side, everyone has ups and downs, and everyone has a needy side and an autonomous side.
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Put- ting her best foot forward means sharing her most positive side, her up side, and her autonomous side. Later on she can share the other part. It is just a matter of timing. To make the best impression and to get to know someone most effectively, it is important that we first get a chance to know the positive side. In the first three stages of dating—at- traction, uncertainty, and exclusivity—it is best to focus on putting forth our best self.
After getting to know our best sides, then in stage four, intimacy, we are ready to deal with the less positive sides of who we are. After getting to know our best sides, we are ready to deal with the less positive sides of who we are. Then, when we experience the challenges that come up in any relationship, we are much more capable of being accepting and understanding. Too much intimacy, too quickly, can cause women to become needy and men to pull away.
Just as men have a tendency to rush into physical intimacy, women make the mistake of rushing into complete emotional intimacy. To put her best foot forward, a woman makes the mistake of treating a man the way she would want to be treated. She eagerly re- sponds to his attentiveness by being overly interested in him. She responds to his consideration by being overly considerate of him; when he is of assistance to her she immediately wants to return the favor instead of just smiling and saying thank you.
She has already given him what he most wants. She has given him the opportunity to know her, please her, and connect with her. A woman needs to re- member that she is the special one. The anticipation of more is very important to keep him interested. If he feels completely satisfied, then there is no distance for him to continue traveling to pursue her. Distance not only makes the heart grow fonder but gives a man the opportunity to pursue. Without movement and the opportunity for more, a man can easily lose the interest necessary to move through all five stages of dating. When a woman feels attracted to a man, her feelings are very different.
She gets excited because she anticipates that he could make her happy, and that in turn makes her feel really good. It brings the best out in her and makes her want to give to him. A woman becomes excited because she anticipates receiving what she needs and then freely giving in return.
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A man be- comes excited because he feels he can be successful in winning her over. When she is happy, he takes credit. Her fulfillment makes him most happy. His success in fulfilling her makes her most happy. This tendency shows up most clearly when a man takes a wo- man on a special date. When he picks her up, she is beautifully dressed and looks great. He takes notice and tells her so. After she is com- fortably seated, he closes the door. She smiles and thanks him.